Life is a witch !! Darn where is my secret potion and powerful bow ?

I need to scare away some monsters coming to close to my fortress full of emotions, and make them talk..

Once upon a time .. a dear little Princess living in the far far country named Toronto. Our Princess was brilliant at school and such a naive student, clumsy as hell who already broke so many things around her including many of her friendships. Let’s call her.. Lilly (Dare you think it’s me! I picked a fake name) Lilly had a friend named .. wait let me think.. Shrek! Oh no .. that sounds too Green, uhm .. Jae-Won! (only because he”s tomorrow’s lecturer at 서울대..). JW and Lilly developed over the time a wonderful friendship through hard labor and numerous hours of study together. JW had a girlfriend (plus two others on internet) and Lilly had also a boyfriend on and off depending on her daily mood. Well the thing is Lilly and JW never met true love, a love based on trust, common life experience, months and months of friendship, shared laughs and tears and so on..

Okay fine, I had a friend in Toronto and his name is not JW nor am I princess, at least if I am they didn’t tell me. We shared, as “friend” pretty much everything. And I really mean “Everything”. Sometimes we were laughing together, sometimes I was crying on the phone, sometimes HE made me cry sometimes he made me laugh. Sometimes he called me because his girlfriend was having an affair or things like that .. you know just regular friendship things. We spent months studying together, eating together and doing all these things together. I kept all our text messages and was reading it a minute ago, suddenly I realized that .. uhm maybe it was more than Friendship. We’ve never kissed, never slept together OH LORD NO never. We’ve never did anything more than just Big Hug and Good night calls.  I don’t know if you’ve ever watch friends, the sitcom, where the 6 of them have this inter-dependent friendship that never ends and thought that’s only on TV. Well I think we did reach that point where he couldn’t live away from me and nor could I live away from him.

But the thing is, moving to Korea was F.I.N.E. .. being away from him was P.A.I.N.F.U.L. 서울대 is hell, everybody knows that. Even “I” knew before I came here (people are complaining all over the internet .. it wasn’t hard to guess). But I didn’t know that losing my friend would be so painful. For me friendship is forever, your friend will always be your friend and I understand that sometimes they have their own mood on and off, you could be busy, having issues or you know .. shit happens sometimes. I don’t even have time to meet my friend when the semester starts so they understand and we meet over the summer, everything is cool.

That friend thou, the Toronto Guy who’s name is not JW.., was just so mad at me when I told him Hey finally my dream is coming true I’m going to Korea! He told me that I “lied to him” because I promised him we would go to Niagara Falls together knowing that I wouldn’t be here from February 1st. And all the things I promised we would do together wasn’t true blah blah blah.. Fine, I committed the crime of “Lying” to him, well honestly I wasn’t sure if going to Korea was such a good idea so that’s why I didn’t tell him, also I knew he would be so sad .. and I would be so sad losing him I didn’t know how to pull the thing out. SO I just kept it for myself until the very last minute. Stupid idea, I’m accountable for that one.  Then he called again and apologized saying he shouldn’t have talked to me that way and be supportive..

Okay I don’t care honestly. I care about him as a friend, I care about his future, I can disregard everything that happen in the past between he and I, every painful words we shouldn’t have said to each other, I only wanna keep in mind all the good moments we spent together. I just want to remember every time he drove me home and it felt so good to be in his car (it was minus something outside), every time we drove 2 hours to go to that restaurant that didn’t exist, every time we had these very deep conversations, every time he was upset coz of that parking lot guy, every time.. I saw  his eyes and thought “Wow it’s good to talk to you and be away from work!” It doesn’t matter if our friendship were more than that, I don’t care, I don’t wanna marry you, I don’t wanna date you, but I wouldn’t mind a phone call.  Once a friendship is over, it’s hard to get it back, as hard it would be with a relationship. It’s even harder when you’re 6,000 miles away.. I just have so many questions left unanswered. I just have so many things to ask.

I need a magic potion strong enough, maybe made of dragon wings or so, to make you talk and tell me everything you need to speak out. Because of my shitty-busy life we’ve never had a moment where you told me with an open-heart what made you so mad, why being so angry, why staying silent all time I’ve been in Korea, why ? .. I’m so thankful we’ve met, I hope I did help you and that time we spent together wasn’t for nothing. I learnt so much from you and I have so many things I want to talk with you.. Staying without answers is really really painful. It is not a nice way to say thanks for the moment we shared as friends. It is not a nice way either to say GoodBye.

What is the reason of your silence ?

Life is a witch – How to un-cast a spell

Or can I teleport myself in the past just for a couple of minutes ?

Don’t know why, after all the pains and tears I’ve learnt how to be a good Korean Girl, how to suffer in silence and smile in the same time, how to lie to people “properly” (Obviously the way we “Canadians” lie is not proper enough to publish a paper in Korea), also I’ve learnt how to meet good people and avoid the crazy ones and how to survive in the jungle with fake friends and hiding my biological weapons. I think I’m ready for afghanistan now, I should sign up for the Canadian forces at least I would make money there.. no wait, do we send people to Afghanistan or is it just the US ?

For some reason my fingers clicked on the Gom Audio icon (not me) and 리쌍 started to play on the background. In less than a second it teleported me back in the past when my friend was driving me home and 리쌍 was playing on his usb-key-car-radio thingy.   I was looking around myself and, Oh Lord, I’m in his car sitting on the front seat, outside the temperature got lost somewhere below minus twenty and we’re driving home.

Am I really in Canada? no kidding, I can see the white empty Kipling station, the warm feeling of being inside his car (vs freezing outside), thanks God, this time he was on time to pick me up. I guess today he was just sick of his boss and stupid customers who ask for noodles knowing they will only get 짜장면, he wanted to hear my voice so he just clocked off  earlier.. We’re driving to .. why are we turning left right now? My house is up north in North York.. Oh right, I remember now, he really liked this Starbucks close to Kipling Station.

The table on the right is ours, just so you would wonder, it’s always been our table and my seat is facing the window. He’s sitting in front of me, his tiny-tired eyes are fixing me and he starts speaking..

“If you go to Korea you will suffer enough, people will never accept you, you have to listen to me. You will cry every single day God makes, even if you meet someone this person will never marry you. Going there, it’s gonna be hell for you to graduate. Korea is a sick country .. trust me you will regret it. You’re Canadian, our country offers the best education possible on Earth, just don’t go in Korea, stay here with me..” blah blah blah ..

What is he talking about ? Korea is not a sick country.. it’s just a history-related problem, that will take time but people will change, eventually. Well dear friend you were right, I don’t regret but I don’t understand either, why so many pains here, you and I are Koreans by blood, why are they different than us? My eyes keep fixing his eyes and darn it’s freaking cold here~! I’m still listening to him brainwashing me, I wanna tell him how horrible it was for me the first few months here. I wanna tell him everything people were doing around me, I need his advice one more time, but my brain can’t stop absorbing everything around, I’m like a sponge.  The noisy Starbucks feels good this time, not bugging me, the lady shooting on the phone is perfectly fat, I’m fine with it, this boiling americano is horribly strong, just the way I like it and hearing his voice is like a sweet melody, I have so many things to say but .. If I speak will you hear me ?

We finished our americanos and he’s driving me home this time. As soon as his car starts 리쌍 is playing on the background and now he’s singing one of their song 헤어지지 못하는 여자, 떠나가지 못하는 남자 I wanna ask him about his New University life, how does he like it, does he have new friends there? Does he still go to Church every Sunday ? Did he stop smoking ?? I’m still speechless I feel that my body is so weak that I can’t speak, I can only follow the motion of his car to my home in North York.

Finally we’re arriving to Tobermory Dr., turning left and then left again, hey that’s my house just right here! Oh my god and my roomy is baking some chocolate cupcakes, wow that must be heaven then. I know she’s watching us through the window secretly, she knows my friend anyway, we’ve been studying together for months now, and we knew each other for 2 years already. He parks the car and comes to open my door, I’m stepping out and start to walk on the snow. He calls my name meanwhile leaning on his white-car. So I’m walking toward him, I’m wondering what does he has to say to me before I go home ..

Suddenly he grabs my arm, put his left arm around my neck and hugs me tight. He wanted to have a big hug before I go because we always hug before I go home, always. I can feel his warm body around me, his skin touching mine, I can feel his heartbeat speeding up.. does he know that I’m in Korea? I can feel his eyes on me and cold chicks against my forehead. I should tell him how much I missed him.. My mouth is starting to open and I take a deep breath

“I …”

Oh my god my body is floating in the air and my hands are turning into a dark shadow. NO NOT NOW, just 5 more seconds PLEASE ! Someone is calling my name 김유린선생님~ 유린생~ Not now, I don’t wanna go back now, I wanna tell him I missed him every single day, I wanna hold him one minute more, just tell him how much I …

“miss you” My eyes are left wide open in front of my Advisor, yes I am still in my laboratory, it’s dark outside and definitely looks like Korea  .. He’s 60 something and always look expression less. ” You missed me?” he said. Not really, honestly, not at all. I really like him though but this time .. I wish he wouldn’t be the one looking for me in this lab.

Darn that was close, I wish I knew how to teleport myself in the past just one minute more, here things happen and you don’t even know how .. Korea is a mysterious country.