Life is a Witch! Speaking not allowed

Isn’t communication the most important thing between human beings?

I cannot agree with people who deprive you from words, I cannot agree with silence, I cannot agree with indifference. Words are freedom, words are your way of expression, words are you laughs and your tears, words are everything to a human being. Slavery was exactly the state where people didn’t listen to other’s words, to other’s freedom. I would definitely picture slavery and the act of submission as being one. No difference in between, both end up as taking advantage of life meanwhile neglecting freedom.

As my friend says “You’re too pure”, maybe I was too naive as well. Staring at what seems colorful and enjoyable from here, now I can see with my own eyes what it has been build upon, I can feel people’s true feeling and I can hear their thoughts. It makes me feel sad to see so much hate, so much anger and such few love. Yes I’m mad sometimes, but I cannot hate, I cannot even say something bad, otherwise I would hate myself, I can only forbid myself to say the obvious and love them and feel sorry that they don’t see the World as I see it. There’s no hiding and smiling anymore, you cannot stay silent in a society of indifference, you cannot keep teaching kids what they have been told to do until now. When time comes to change, you will see how delicate words could be to a child, a parent, a son, a friend. Maybe some will understand how fragile communication is, and why you cannot deprive others around you to show them your inner self, with your own words.

What are words for you? For me it’s my best way to give and inspire Love.



Life is a witch! Critical Time Limit on my Crystal Skull

Do you always plan every decision you take ? 

It’s driving me nuts to see people wondering for hours “Should I go or not?’ .. just go and figure it out later. I usually plane everything in advance but it never works, it works best when I don’t plan anything. Most of the critical decisions were taken in a fragment of seconds based on my own feeling, the one pending on the tip of my nose pointing in the same direction of my ears and my tail.

Coming to Korea was hard, it took me one full year of preparations, deciding to get on the plane was a 5 minutes decision, a highly critical 5 minutes. And I wasn’t sure until the very last minute I got on board if that was the best decision or not. There are indeed millions of roads to take that would lead you to the same point. My goal was to come here, I could have been an English Teacher (not exactly what you like to do the most when your major is Biochemistry), I could have been employed by a Pharmaceutical Company (but then what do I do with just a B.S. ?? being a slave hasn’t been my dream to start off) and I could have been a student (which I did..). Figuring out which road to take and which car to ride was indeed part of the decision process, but not the hardest, eventually I tried to get a degree as a first destination, then a career mold as a second destination, then a family life and a personal satisfaction as a final destination. Once I got accepted to this random University I had to book my flight tickets, get Nina’s paper for the Quarantine Service, get her flight ticket and get in the plane.. Taking the decision to get in the plane was actually the hardest step, my mind was already there but my legs wouldn’t go.. Go figure. My friend who gave me a ride to the airport that morning wasn’t helping either.. an hour before we left home I told him I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do and he answered me ..

Of course this is not the right thing to do, I came from Korea to Canada that was hell, nobody wants to live there except you, now I gotta go to work in an hour so take your decision fast, you have 10 minutes. So are you going or not ? 

Well that wasn’t helping.. During those 5 critical minutes the easy shortest-road just appeared on my map, I just stopped asking myself if it was right or not, just got on the plane and landed 15 hours later in Seoul. I thought that 2 years is not that long and anyway I will ask myself again the same question when it comes to decide for my PhD.

I had various episodes of this kind, where decision were made in less than 5 minutes and the outcome wasn’t so bad after all!

Before going to Africa we saw this add on the newspaper, I asked my friend if he wanted to go with me of I had to go there alone, he told me that I would die going there alone so we should go together. Next morning I was landing in Africa with a E.coli virus, people speaking weird languages around me and the muslim ‘priest’, whatever you call it, asked me to “Please wear something, wear that scarf!!” meanwhile praying in Arabic. I wanted to learn from a new country .. mission accomplished.

Still in Africa, this $20 free fall promotion was also a very neat decision as simple as “It can’t be dangerous, let’s go!”. 10 minutes later I was in the air with my parachute, screaming and praying Aaaaaaaah What are these holes in the wing?!!! 

Adopting a Chinchillas was a straightforward one minute decision, at that time my old hamster passed so I needed a new pet to live with me.. We went to the pet store with my friend and I saw this huge ball of fur as big as my fist and jumping all around, that looked like a smart pet to me.  “What’s that?” I asked the girl “A Chinchillas” she said. “Chinchillas, funny name eh, give me one, the grey one who’s jumping all over the place” so I bought our Chinchillas for $200 without knowing that I was signing up a contract for a very very very very very long time together .. We then proceed to the cashier with my Chinchilla in my arms and the cashier was quite surprise to see someone buying Chinchillas, she told me “Oh I got one too at home” (Me) “No kidding how old is yours?” (The Girl) “Mine is 15 years old” (ME) “15?? That must be a very old one!” (The girl) “No! They live up to 20 years!!” (Me close to have a heart attack..) ” OMFG You said 20 ? It’s too late to exchange for a hamster right? .. Yeah I knew it..” .. And I went back home with my 2 months old Chinchillas~! Yes he still lives happily with my family and no I don’t have any picture sorry. Good night!!

Don’t think too hard, All roads lead to Rome anyway..

Life is a Witch ! Cast your spell on me !

Reflections. Thoughts.

I’ve always wonder why guys sometimes are uncertain and so inconsistent. Today they say I love you next morning I love you but just as a know?. No I don’t know sorry, you love me or you get out. Stop messing around with my life it’s already busy enough without having you around.

This last two years were really .. up and down, full of surprises, full of laughs and tears. Between finding a job, giving up on love and moving to Korea a lot happened without speaking in details. I’ve been home-sick these days and spent hours staring at old text messages and pictures from Toronto without really wanted to go back. If you’ve followed the episode of Life is a Witch, the thing is before I came to Korea I had a friend in Toronto (who’s name is still not JW) among other friends.. and was reading his text messages again, on kakaotalk and whatsapp.. The way he was writing his text messages seemed perfectly A-okay 2  years ago. Now that I look at it again I was thinking .. Was he actually in love with me ? No it can’t be.. I know that he speaks English and Korean good enough to say that it wasn’t a cultural difference nor a language barrier thing but his inconsistency drove me to the edge of crazyness. So when a guy tells you :

I miss you so much, I’m worrying about you. Are you sick ? Okay than don’t go to work tomorrow I’ll be there tomorrow morning and I’ll bring meds for your cold. 

(Uhm.. Since when are we dating already?) Fine. This is still friendship at the very edge. I went to NYC with my parents for Christmas and that same person called me to say things like ..

I just wanted to hear your voice, I love you.. as a friend. I miss so you much, just come to back to Toronto with me. 

(Are we actually dating ? I thought you said we were friends??) Wait a minute, I didn’t say I was moving to NYC. I just went to see my parents for Christmas. Okay whatever.. Then we had a fight, because .. of something really stupid, he was at a turning point of his life and needed to study to pass his last college-prep class. So I decided to help him studying BUT he was spending more time on internet then he should have studied. So I got mad at him and then he was like ..

Come let’s just talk while driving, I’ll drive you home. Aaaa I’m so sorry  T.T

(No, you’re not sorry you’re an idiot) Okay this is still friendship.. to summarize I would play his mom and he would be my 27 yo son. But THEN I told him I would go to South Korea and he was like..

I never want to talk you again. You’re just a liar you promised me we would go to Niagara together. blah blah blah.. 

(I really can’t remember.. were we actually on a relationship?????) What was that for again ?? So .. let’s summarize.. In our “Friendship” I would play his mom and he would be my 10yo son studying for Biology 1st year Undergrad. Okay that can do .. at a certain extent and if I don’t hear things that can make me cry just right before I leave my OWN country, going to a Different country in Asia, learn a new language, loose my friend, never see my family again for at least 2 years (What else?..), work and study and trying to rush my ass to finish my degree and have a great job in less than 5 years. You know the details already. Darn.

Oh don’t worry he’s not the only one. I met a guy AS A FRIEND who was calling me every f****ing day to fix his Rogers Bill and then ended up telling me ..

Why do you call me to go for a drink, I barely know you, maybe we can meet sometimes next year. 

Well I just crossed out your name from my contact list and I’m still wondering .. why would you use people freely ? Do you think it doesn’t cost an once of respect to have help for free and not using what we call Common sense ? Whenever I ask help to someone I feel so guilty that I wanna kill myself, even just for a pencil that I forgotten to bring during my test. Hooooow does your brain work exactly ? Explain that to me.

Once again, it’s fine, one friend more or less what difference does it make eh? I know myself well enough to know that I don’t use people on purpose without giving anything in return and I see a human being in everything that walks on two legs and have a so called “Brain”, regardless of the fact that I like/dislike/hate/love this person. If your personal decision is to do otherwise, do it without me.

Uncertainty aside, another disturbing thing is true inconsistency. I had to study that in Korea quite a lot, more than you think. In Toronto I’ve already faced that problem but I thought it was only due to uncertainty, by mean, if you’re between love and friendship it is fairly normal to express at time signs of love and then just reject that person.  This is what we call in Korean 우정과 사랑 사이 you always question yourself ..

Do I like her or do I love her ?

I love her ! ..  Oh Right ! as a friend !

I can’t live without her !!..  no no as a friend only!! 

NO, big mistake of interpretation inconsistency is not a consequence of uncertainty, proof is if you are uncertain you would try to solve that equation of emotion, you would look for an answer because it is a natural reflex of the human brain to solve what makes us think. Inconsistency is only to your personal determination. Why ? Because if you don’t have that desire to solve your question you would just live your emotions the way it shows up. Consequently one day you love her, next day you hate her, one day you like her, next day you love her again ! But in no point you will try to stop this nor to question yourself .. why am I having such emotion swing ?

Inconsistency still appears to me as a metal sickness only because I am one of a kind who knows what she wants, getting married, have kids and be happy, Period. Unlike when you’re 250% in love (which is insanity) you wouldn’t consider rejecting your beloved one (unless you have a mental disease). You would be surprised to know how many people around you actually questioned themselves on their own feeling about you. Questioning is fine, you should do it and make sure you’re not missing the “Opportunity of your life”. But PLEASE OH LORD PLEASE don’t include you’re other half in that quest for answer. I cannot tell you why people are sometimes uncertain, why you have to bounce between the edge of  love and friendship, why is it so painful to find someone who loves you ..BUT  If you don’t know you’re own feelings, why do I have to know that ? It’s your problem certainly not mine. My feelings are crystal clear,  right column of the table or left column of the table, nothing in between.  Why do I have to endure so much stress ? Why does it have to be up and down until you figured it out ? If you don’t know how can I know ??

I don’t have any miracle power to cast a spell on my crystal brain and tell you YES or NO, there’s no secret no miracle solution no meditation position no pills that will ever tell you what you want in life. It is all based on your personal desire to move forward or stay where your are.

Including others in your reflections and your thoughts is fine as long as you don’t make them cry and as long as you respect your peers. BTW I think this is the first line of the bible, respect your parents and your peers. 

Life is a witch !! Darn where is my secret potion and powerful bow ?

I need to scare away some monsters coming to close to my fortress full of emotions, and make them talk..

Once upon a time .. a dear little Princess living in the far far country named Toronto. Our Princess was brilliant at school and such a naive student, clumsy as hell who already broke so many things around her including many of her friendships. Let’s call her.. Lilly (Dare you think it’s me! I picked a fake name) Lilly had a friend named .. wait let me think.. Shrek! Oh no .. that sounds too Green, uhm .. Jae-Won! (only because he”s tomorrow’s lecturer at 서울대..). JW and Lilly developed over the time a wonderful friendship through hard labor and numerous hours of study together. JW had a girlfriend (plus two others on internet) and Lilly had also a boyfriend on and off depending on her daily mood. Well the thing is Lilly and JW never met true love, a love based on trust, common life experience, months and months of friendship, shared laughs and tears and so on..

Okay fine, I had a friend in Toronto and his name is not JW nor am I princess, at least if I am they didn’t tell me. We shared, as “friend” pretty much everything. And I really mean “Everything”. Sometimes we were laughing together, sometimes I was crying on the phone, sometimes HE made me cry sometimes he made me laugh. Sometimes he called me because his girlfriend was having an affair or things like that .. you know just regular friendship things. We spent months studying together, eating together and doing all these things together. I kept all our text messages and was reading it a minute ago, suddenly I realized that .. uhm maybe it was more than Friendship. We’ve never kissed, never slept together OH LORD NO never. We’ve never did anything more than just Big Hug and Good night calls.  I don’t know if you’ve ever watch friends, the sitcom, where the 6 of them have this inter-dependent friendship that never ends and thought that’s only on TV. Well I think we did reach that point where he couldn’t live away from me and nor could I live away from him.

But the thing is, moving to Korea was F.I.N.E. .. being away from him was P.A.I.N.F.U.L. 서울대 is hell, everybody knows that. Even “I” knew before I came here (people are complaining all over the internet .. it wasn’t hard to guess). But I didn’t know that losing my friend would be so painful. For me friendship is forever, your friend will always be your friend and I understand that sometimes they have their own mood on and off, you could be busy, having issues or you know .. shit happens sometimes. I don’t even have time to meet my friend when the semester starts so they understand and we meet over the summer, everything is cool.

That friend thou, the Toronto Guy who’s name is not JW.., was just so mad at me when I told him Hey finally my dream is coming true I’m going to Korea! He told me that I “lied to him” because I promised him we would go to Niagara Falls together knowing that I wouldn’t be here from February 1st. And all the things I promised we would do together wasn’t true blah blah blah.. Fine, I committed the crime of “Lying” to him, well honestly I wasn’t sure if going to Korea was such a good idea so that’s why I didn’t tell him, also I knew he would be so sad .. and I would be so sad losing him I didn’t know how to pull the thing out. SO I just kept it for myself until the very last minute. Stupid idea, I’m accountable for that one.  Then he called again and apologized saying he shouldn’t have talked to me that way and be supportive..

Okay I don’t care honestly. I care about him as a friend, I care about his future, I can disregard everything that happen in the past between he and I, every painful words we shouldn’t have said to each other, I only wanna keep in mind all the good moments we spent together. I just want to remember every time he drove me home and it felt so good to be in his car (it was minus something outside), every time we drove 2 hours to go to that restaurant that didn’t exist, every time we had these very deep conversations, every time he was upset coz of that parking lot guy, every time.. I saw  his eyes and thought “Wow it’s good to talk to you and be away from work!” It doesn’t matter if our friendship were more than that, I don’t care, I don’t wanna marry you, I don’t wanna date you, but I wouldn’t mind a phone call.  Once a friendship is over, it’s hard to get it back, as hard it would be with a relationship. It’s even harder when you’re 6,000 miles away.. I just have so many questions left unanswered. I just have so many things to ask.

I need a magic potion strong enough, maybe made of dragon wings or so, to make you talk and tell me everything you need to speak out. Because of my shitty-busy life we’ve never had a moment where you told me with an open-heart what made you so mad, why being so angry, why staying silent all time I’ve been in Korea, why ? .. I’m so thankful we’ve met, I hope I did help you and that time we spent together wasn’t for nothing. I learnt so much from you and I have so many things I want to talk with you.. Staying without answers is really really painful. It is not a nice way to say thanks for the moment we shared as friends. It is not a nice way either to say GoodBye.

What is the reason of your silence ?

Life is a witch – How to un-cast a spell

Or can I teleport myself in the past just for a couple of minutes ?

Don’t know why, after all the pains and tears I’ve learnt how to be a good Korean Girl, how to suffer in silence and smile in the same time, how to lie to people “properly” (Obviously the way we “Canadians” lie is not proper enough to publish a paper in Korea), also I’ve learnt how to meet good people and avoid the crazy ones and how to survive in the jungle with fake friends and hiding my biological weapons. I think I’m ready for afghanistan now, I should sign up for the Canadian forces at least I would make money there.. no wait, do we send people to Afghanistan or is it just the US ?

For some reason my fingers clicked on the Gom Audio icon (not me) and 리쌍 started to play on the background. In less than a second it teleported me back in the past when my friend was driving me home and 리쌍 was playing on his usb-key-car-radio thingy.   I was looking around myself and, Oh Lord, I’m in his car sitting on the front seat, outside the temperature got lost somewhere below minus twenty and we’re driving home.

Am I really in Canada? no kidding, I can see the white empty Kipling station, the warm feeling of being inside his car (vs freezing outside), thanks God, this time he was on time to pick me up. I guess today he was just sick of his boss and stupid customers who ask for noodles knowing they will only get 짜장면, he wanted to hear my voice so he just clocked off  earlier.. We’re driving to .. why are we turning left right now? My house is up north in North York.. Oh right, I remember now, he really liked this Starbucks close to Kipling Station.

The table on the right is ours, just so you would wonder, it’s always been our table and my seat is facing the window. He’s sitting in front of me, his tiny-tired eyes are fixing me and he starts speaking..

“If you go to Korea you will suffer enough, people will never accept you, you have to listen to me. You will cry every single day God makes, even if you meet someone this person will never marry you. Going there, it’s gonna be hell for you to graduate. Korea is a sick country .. trust me you will regret it. You’re Canadian, our country offers the best education possible on Earth, just don’t go in Korea, stay here with me..” blah blah blah ..

What is he talking about ? Korea is not a sick country.. it’s just a history-related problem, that will take time but people will change, eventually. Well dear friend you were right, I don’t regret but I don’t understand either, why so many pains here, you and I are Koreans by blood, why are they different than us? My eyes keep fixing his eyes and darn it’s freaking cold here~! I’m still listening to him brainwashing me, I wanna tell him how horrible it was for me the first few months here. I wanna tell him everything people were doing around me, I need his advice one more time, but my brain can’t stop absorbing everything around, I’m like a sponge.  The noisy Starbucks feels good this time, not bugging me, the lady shooting on the phone is perfectly fat, I’m fine with it, this boiling americano is horribly strong, just the way I like it and hearing his voice is like a sweet melody, I have so many things to say but .. If I speak will you hear me ?

We finished our americanos and he’s driving me home this time. As soon as his car starts 리쌍 is playing on the background and now he’s singing one of their song 헤어지지 못하는 여자, 떠나가지 못하는 남자 I wanna ask him about his New University life, how does he like it, does he have new friends there? Does he still go to Church every Sunday ? Did he stop smoking ?? I’m still speechless I feel that my body is so weak that I can’t speak, I can only follow the motion of his car to my home in North York.

Finally we’re arriving to Tobermory Dr., turning left and then left again, hey that’s my house just right here! Oh my god and my roomy is baking some chocolate cupcakes, wow that must be heaven then. I know she’s watching us through the window secretly, she knows my friend anyway, we’ve been studying together for months now, and we knew each other for 2 years already. He parks the car and comes to open my door, I’m stepping out and start to walk on the snow. He calls my name meanwhile leaning on his white-car. So I’m walking toward him, I’m wondering what does he has to say to me before I go home ..

Suddenly he grabs my arm, put his left arm around my neck and hugs me tight. He wanted to have a big hug before I go because we always hug before I go home, always. I can feel his warm body around me, his skin touching mine, I can feel his heartbeat speeding up.. does he know that I’m in Korea? I can feel his eyes on me and cold chicks against my forehead. I should tell him how much I missed him.. My mouth is starting to open and I take a deep breath

“I …”

Oh my god my body is floating in the air and my hands are turning into a dark shadow. NO NOT NOW, just 5 more seconds PLEASE ! Someone is calling my name 김유린선생님~ 유린생~ Not now, I don’t wanna go back now, I wanna tell him I missed him every single day, I wanna hold him one minute more, just tell him how much I …

“miss you” My eyes are left wide open in front of my Advisor, yes I am still in my laboratory, it’s dark outside and definitely looks like Korea  .. He’s 60 something and always look expression less. ” You missed me?” he said. Not really, honestly, not at all. I really like him though but this time .. I wish he wouldn’t be the one looking for me in this lab.

Darn that was close, I wish I knew how to teleport myself in the past just one minute more, here things happen and you don’t even know how .. Korea is a mysterious country.

Wish List

Dear Santa,

My wish list has been forgotten by many for years, including you. Please make this year fortunate and thoughtful, full of gifts that I really like, not the ones that you pick up over the counter and say “she won’t like it anyway~!”

  • Klear Textbook, Integrated Korean : Intermediate 1
  • Dickens, Charles.  Great Expectations.  New York:  Oxford UP, 2008.
  • Hemingway, Ernest.  The Sun Also Rises.  New York:  Simon and Shuster (Scribner Paperback), 1954
  • Roberts, Edgar V.  Writing About Literature.  11th ed.  Upper Saddle River, NJ:  Prentice Hall, 2006.
  • Stewart, Kay L., Marian Allen, and Shelley Galliah.  Forms of Writing: A Rhetoric, Handbook, and Reader.  5th ed.  Scarborough, ON:  Prentice Hall, 2009.

Oh Oh Oh ~ ~