What do I miss ?

  1. I miss my room in Toronto, always warm, always sunny in the morning, no mold on the wall, nobody pucking in front of my door, so quiet and a perfect roomy.
  2. I miss Koreatown, hodo kwaja are a lot better in Toronto than here in Korea (Go figure why lol)
  3. I miss my friend who was always dropping by our house whenever I was cooking.. and his famous quote “What’s THAT on the counter? Did you cook that?  When do we eat that ?” .. I’ve never been 100% sure if he actually liked it or if he was really wondering what was THAT thing on the counter.
  4. I miss our hot boiling beer and greazy fries at St. Louis until early morning with my friends,  plus or minus some slight fights due to minor cultural differences with Yonge and Finch locals. By cultural difference, I mean these guys from Aurora who were pretending living at Yonge and Finch and don’t even know the difference between North and South Korea.
  5. I miss my Daddy asking me if I’ve been to North Korea yet. It’s been two weeks I didn’t hear that again, I’m wondering if he is Okay..
  6. I miss doing my friend’s Biology homework until 2pm on Christmas Eve meanwhile being in NYC with my parents. Then going for a drink at St.Louis with my other friend and complaining of the fact that I always end up doing his homework.
  7. I miss my job and earning money without thinking what should I study for tomorrow morning. High hourly rate, great life, stressless future .. except when you decide to go back to study for another 4 years. What a wonderful idea I got .. Awesome.
  8. I miss TIM HORTONS. I can’t believe we don’t have it in Korea yet ! What a shame.. Who wants to bring it here will be rich for sure.
  9. I miss my long hair I’m not sure why I cut it so short.. I must have reached the insanity level at some point
  10. I miss playing piano, I didn’t know it was so hard to find piano in Korea.. What ? Is it a sin to play piano here ??

NOW .. What I do NOT miss :

  1. I don’t miss the Chinese guy from TD at Yonge and Finch, trying to talk to me in Spanish while I’m sitting in the middle of Ontario in CA.NA.DA Sir !!
  2. I don’t miss the fat guy from the parking lot at Bay and Bloor  pissing off my friends meanwhile giving me some winks.
  3. I don’t miss my Grade 12 teaching job .. heck I hate marking mid-terms and finals.
  4. I don’t miss the overly-burned-Starbucks-Americano, since we have it here and it still tastes like they rot the beans for 37,000 years 24/7.
  5. I don’t miss my iPhone since I discovered Samsung Note in Korea haha
  6. I don’t miss the snow (okay fine I miss the snow .. but I don’t miss shoveling the snow off my friend’s car when it’s minus 20 something)
  7. I don’t miss Quebec – I had to say it haha
  8. I don’t miss this stupid stop in Buffalo before arriving in NYC..
  9. I don’t miss Organic Chemistry 3 and I’m glad I tossed away those 2 heavy and useless books.
  10. I don’t miss waiting for my friend in Kipling at 5pm when it’s already dark, snowy, cold and freaking scary to be alone there. Yeah I like the summer better, who doesn’t.

I miss but I don’t regret. I don’t miss but I know I will regret later. Learning is a tiring ever lasting task..

I had a dream ..

.. Last night I had a dream, a horrific dream. I can’t remember when I felt asleep nor how .. but suddenly I was drawn back in reality (a previous reality that use to be true a year and a half ago) where I was meeting my friends in Christie on a Sunny Sunday afternoon. 

IT’s so bright outside and so hot I guess we are still in the summer time, all of us are sitting in Christie Pitch Park where we always sit. The 6 of us are here sitting on the grass, laughing and wishing Happy Birthday to our friend. I cooked some 무지개떡 trial number 1,777 this year, and my friends are staring at it with a very unconfident look, I can even read the question marks lining up on the top their heads. Since I decided to cook 무지개떡 6 months ago I’ve became a professional translator in the Question Marks language. I can tell you exactly what one thinks and what’s the other’s answer

(o.o) ????? ??? ?? -> She wants us to eat that?

(ㅠ.ㅠ) ???? ??. ???????? ?? –> I guess so. Otherwise we’re dead.

(ㅜ.ㅜ) ?? ?? ?? –> We’re dead anyway 

(x.x) !! !! –> Let’s eat

(ㅜ.ㅜ) ????? ???.. ??????? ???? ?? ????? –> Sorry brothers.. next time I’ll kidnap her before she has time to cook anything

(ㅡ.ㅡ) ?..!.. –> .. Eatable

The wind is playing with my hair gently and everybody is eating, it turned out I’m not that a bad cook. I cooked this very complicated cake for his birthday so I hope he enjoyed it, truly. But something is bugging me .. what am I doing in Christie Pitch Park on a sunny summer day, a year before I leave for Korea? Another teaching from life ? Or simple a gift from my long term memory?.. Really the six of us are sitting here, laughing and enjoying this moment. I’m staring at this friend from Kingston and I’m thinking .. just so many things will go wrong between us. Just so many things combined with bad lucks will end up in a very wrong friendship. Then I turn my head to that other friend with glasses. Another wasted friendship. A friendship that turned out into two individuals that barely say Hi to each other because of a one-sided love (which wasn’t from me). Then my head is turning left, my long time friend is sitting here. This friend and I barely new each other on that day and unlike the others he’s older than me. Even until now he remains one of my good friend, we can talk to each other for hours until 4 in the morning, drink and invite other friends and drink and talk again. We’ve spent so many hours watching baseball game and drinking soju together, our friendship was based on nothing. Someone introduced us and that was it. We’ve never tried to learn anything from each other, we’ve never tried to try on each other, we’ve never tried to do anything except just talk and have fun. He’s been a very good 오빠 from the first day and even until now, I hope I’ve been a good 동생 to him. So far 2 wasted friendships and one survived, not so bad.

The sunlight is turning into a moonlight and it is time for me to meet my other friend in Finch. He just came back from Korea and we decided to study a bit together. I get in the TTC once again, get off at Finch and can start to smell this miserable toilet smell of Finch station coming through my nostrils. I quickly get out of the station through the TD exit and meet him at the .. Oh wait a text message is coming :

Sorry I’m late can we meet in High Park ?

Well I guess I’m going to High Park ! Get back in the subway all the way to High Park, get out at High Park station walk 10 minutes .. Finally High Park “Park” is in front of me. Now I have to walk on this mixture of dirt rain and green grass with my new Nine West shoes just to meet him. He’s car is parked here and he arrived about 10 minutes before me.  It’s been a while ! Guess what ? I know exactly what you will tell me ! You ruined wedding, your horrible ex girlfriend, the new girlfriend of your dream that you met there and why you can’t trust her and so on.. I know all that already ! I know because it happened and this is my dream. I really want to tell you not to worry about her because anyway you’ll break up with her in 2 months and find a much better girl, so there’s no reason to be so sad right now. I don’t want to hear anymore I just wanna die from your mouth, I want to hug you and tell you Everything will be okay, it will be okay just please be happy and smile. Within this 2 years I didn’t get a lot of chance to see you smiling, why being so sad all the time, happiness is your only choice. And your future will be a lot busier than now, so you should get ready. I always wondered if you became what you are right now in 2012 because of this time we spent together as friend, or was it your only decision ? I wish I could tell you now your future but when I look at your eyes all those memories keep coming back to me. You will get mad at me a trillion times, you’ll cry when I won’t be here for you and leave you alone in this painful life, you will be happy to see me after work, you will get mad ..when I will have to leave. On the top of everything I know our friendship will end on February 1st 2011. Even though I wish it didn’t ..

Suddenly High Park became all dark and this Lady wearing a Red dress appears in front of me,  she has dark hair dark eyes probably in her 40s and she grabs my shoulders. When are you going to wake up ? Just wake up ! Wake up now ! Why do you want me to wake up ? I like this dream, those are good memories. I terribly miss my friends, all of them, I can’t talk to them because bad lucks happened, because we misunderstood each-other, because sometimes we fought or simply because I don’t live there anymore. Not because I don’t love them.. We are all busy with our own life and keeping in touch is hard when you’re not in the same city together. Stop questioning your friends are gone Just wake up ! Wake up now ! There’s nothing to do, she’s dragging me back to reality in 2012, Fine I will wake up just give me one minute to say bye to them. Nope .. she decided otherwise, I woke up suddenly out of breath and my eyes are now open, I’m in room and a trace of her Red Dress is fading away slowly in front of me. I’m staring at it and keep asking myself .. Why we don’t talk anymore to each other ? I’m not sure .. I can’t remember.. What happened ?

It is true, if I go back nothing will be the same anymore. Too many things happened, nobody is ready to do the first step forward, nobody is anyway contacting me while I’m sitting here in the middle of Korea. We are all busy with our own life and even if I go back I will never go back in the past, I will go back to a near future with new friends and a new job. But this is not what I want. I don’t even want to have new friends, I want to understand what happened. I just don’t get how everything went so fast from that wonderful Sunny day in Toronto to tears and sadness. Why can’t we forget and forgive the past?

~ Your past ends where your Future begins, never forget,  never regret and move forward ~ 

White Day New Resolutions

~ I decided to write two lists, and ended up writing four~

It’s a fact, there’re good people and bad people, respectively the likes and dislikes list.  I’m not getting along well with the bad ones, it’s another fact. Well I gotta say the truth, despite the fact one wear dark clothes stretch pants and leather jacket (okay fine and sometimes really high heels), doesn’t mean one is on the bad side.  But yeah I don’t like to hang out with the bad ones just to “network”. What’s networking ? Oh.. it’s just a Korean way to socialize with people because you either want to have something from them or you need their help or they are your coworkers (yes we have to stick together in Korea).

So I made two lists, the likes and dislikes (organized by name) and you can be sure the dislikes list will be subject sooner or later of deep thinking (I always thought that if I have a Business I will never hire them!), meanwhile the likes list will just turn eventually into a “Friends List” or why not .. “Contact List” on my cellphone. Well we’re not that far yet.

I used to be really energized in the past and doing things that I thought were “Good” and tossed the “Bad things” away, I always had good reasons to do what was good and good reasons for not doing what I thought was bad. But I came to realize that actually not a lot of people understand the reasons behind your good behavior. Meanwhile they dig up a lot to justify your “bad behaviors”. Nobody would think or question Why she did that? What was her motive ? Was she trying to be good to me?  Yeah, most of the time, I never do something thinking Oh well he might be so in pain after that, it can only be good for him/her !  Unless I’m a psychopath .. you know what I mean.

So I wrote another two lists to justify my acts. “I did it and I thought it was good” and “Why I think you have to go on the bad list”.

Here is the “I did it and I thought it was good, Because .. ” :

  1. I thought you would be able to graduate if I helped you to study
  2. I thought you would love that great job that would start your career if I gave you one
  3. I thought you would be happy if I gave you that .. expensive Calvin Klein thing
  4. I thought our friendship was true if I helped you without expecting anything in return
  5. I thought it was scientifically correct to think that way
  6. I thought you would like it if I do that for you (and I’m sorry if you didn’t)
  7. I thought that even thou you don’t like me, at least it would help you and bring you happiness

Here is the  “Why I think you have to go on the bad list, Because..” :

  1. I’m tired to be left behind when others know deliberately I’m just right here
  2. I’m tired to always gather people when they always forget me
  3. I’m tired to tell you everything when you just get benefit out of it and never tell me anything
  4. I’m tired to see that you are eating what I bought for everyone and then don’t even say Hi in the morning
  5. I’m tired to see that after one year you don’t even remember my name even thou we’re sitting next to each other and we meet 5 times per day. 
  6. I’m tired to help you and then you don’t even ask me “Hi How are you?” the minute I’m away
  7. I’m tired to always think my best of what cake would make you happy for your bday meanwhile you didn’t even remember mine, and you were watching  from outside me crying on my bday.
  8. I’m tired to always do work for you when you almost kill me with you words sharp like a knife in front of my Advisor
  9. I’m tired to always count on you when you’re not here for me (meanwhile I’ve ALWAYS been here for you)
  10. I’m tired to pretend to friendship when you can’t even say you know me in front of others
  11. I’m tired to hear you saying shit about me when I’ve never talked to you, not even once
  12. I’m tired that after all the help you’ve never care not even one second of my being

According to personal statistics Girls are always doing better than Guys when it comes to help a female friend. I’ve met some good guys too, but they are minority haha. And vice-versa for guys. My bad people list is mostly fill up with horrible guys or jealous girls, and my good people list is mainly girls that I knew for years or guys who were interested at a some point .. Sad but true. I’ve never done anything to anyone that was intentionally bad, I’ve never wish anything bad even to the ones I dislike,  I’ve always wish the best to all disregarding my own feeling, why isn’t there an once of peace I don’t know, but your behavior cannot silence me. I will always say what I think is right and wrong. Who can handle so much hate and indifference, there’s not enough indignation in this world but my words won’t stay unheard. Nothing can silence pain, not even justice, not even your friend. Every human being has a right to happiness and does not need to hear nor bear your cyclic moody decisions..

Too many tears already.

서른한살이야~

안녕하세요,  김유린 입니다 ㅎㅎ

오늘은 일년동안 한국에 있었어요 ! ㅊㅋ

오늘부터 졸업까지 십이개월 남았지만 요기는 너무 힘들아니까 졸업 언제 할 수 있는건 아직 모르겠다. 요기 왔었을때부터 한국어를 공부 못해서 아직 캐나다 가고 십지 않아요. 십월부터 알바 찾았고 주말마다 진주에 가다와요. 서울보다 진주 사람들은  완벽히 한국 사람 있다 ㅎㅎ 왜 서울과 진주 사람 사이에 차이 있다고 모르겠지만 전 서울에 정말 못살아고 피곤하도 서울보다 진주 가기 진짜 좋았다 ~

Life is a Witch

<NEW LIFE>

I agree it’s been a while I haven’t wrote something in here. Life has been a good witch and made some miracles to get me to .. K.O.R.E.A.~!!

Finally!! As I explained in October .. When I told my friend that there might be a tiny tiny possibility that I’d move to South Korea, I got into a fight with most of my friends. Most of them except 2 are hating me right now, and I’m really sorry guys.. I know how you feel, I know it’s hard, but being a friend and being supportive was not too much asking right ?

So only two of them said Congratulation and Good Luck. Everybody else (including my parents) expressed their feelings with big round eyes and question marks on the top of their head.

How did it all happen?

August 2010 –  I had a hint that it might happen, I didn’t really talk about it, I didn’t think I would be admitted anyway. I’ve been working on that univ admittance for about a year now, had to take 2 classes again, work full time, pay bills, maintain my GPA etc.. By the end of summer, things weren’t going well at all. Nina has been really sick, I wasn’t feeling too good, my job search wasn’t going well, financial stress, and I couldn’t see my friends as much I wanted to and didn’t see my parents for like 4 years .. so yeah, I had troubles.

November 2010 – My 1st interview with my Professor in Korea went well, from that moment I knew that I would go in Korea for sure. I was just waiting for the official anouncement. I tried to talk about it with my friends, but everybody seemed so busy and stressed out that I didn’t dare to add more stress.

December 2010 – I went in NYC to see my parents after 4 years. It was really great and I’m really thankful that finally we were able to have a Christmas together just the three of us. In no way I wanted to ruin that xmas, so I didn’t say anything about Korea. I told my best friend thou, but he didn’t like too much. While I was in NYC with my parents, he called me at night saying “I can’t live without you, just come back in Toronto, I need to hear your voice”. That got me confused big time. What should I do ? Is he in love with me of what ??

January 2011 – Broke up with my boyfriend, Packing, booking my trip and … I told my friends (all of them) that I would go in Korea in 3 weeks. And there you go .. big fight with everybody.

February 1st 2001 – Troubles with Nina, everything was planed except that .. 6 hours before my flight, Korean Air calls me to say that No sorry we can’t accept your ferret on the cargo section (OMG .. what am I gonna do!!!.. T.T) I swear the God, only TWO of my friends were supportive. One in Kingston, one in Toronto. I was really surprised, I thought they would beat me down like everybody else, but thankfully we were able to talk and have a great time (either on the phone or in person). I’m really really REALLY thankful to these two persons. Most of this moving part wouldn’t have happened if my roomy in Toronto weren’t here for me. She was the one who helped me the most with Nina and also helped to stay mentally sane. Moving can drive you insane at some point, so it’s good to have someone like her by your side. As I explained in October, since I live far away from my beloved parents, my friends are the most important people in my life. Most of the time I don’t need any help, I can do things by myself, but when I have to face issues receiving love and support is the most precious gift I’ve ever had. So thanks to these two person I was able to go in Korea without Tear.

So now what ? What’s the plan ?

uh .. study hard I guess ?! I have to study Korean for sure, things didn’t go smoothly since I’m here haha my life hasn’t change at all! I wake up in the morning, fight with my ex-boyfriend in Toronto, that’s a morning routine now lol, and then gotta rush coz I’m late for my class.

The good thing is people in my lab are great, my professor is great and I really like my research project (which is kinda odd.. whoever knows me will know why..). I’m stuffing my mouth every single day with Korean treats, feeding myself with 호떡 (gosh Im lovin it!!) and surviving on all sort of street food (meanwhile getting fat..haha). No language barrier since I can speak korean, it’s just great I can do whatever I want and grab many opportunities to learn more slang and be fluent soon hopefully (sticking to kids helps a lot for that lol).

btw1: this was my last post in here. I’ll re-open/edit my cyworld sometimes next week (or next next week depending on the lazyness status).

btw2: Sorry no picture in here anymore, everything will be moved to Cyworld! -.-;;

I gave up Cyworld and moved everything to WordPress .. as you already know.

<END OF THIS BLOG>

Wish List

Dear Santa,

My wish list has been forgotten by many for years, including you. Please make this year fortunate and thoughtful, full of gifts that I really like, not the ones that you pick up over the counter and say “she won’t like it anyway~!”

www.amazon.com

  • Klear Textbook, Integrated Korean : Intermediate 1
  • Dickens, Charles.  Great Expectations.  New York:  Oxford UP, 2008.
  • Hemingway, Ernest.  The Sun Also Rises.  New York:  Simon and Shuster (Scribner Paperback), 1954
  • Roberts, Edgar V.  Writing About Literature.  11th ed.  Upper Saddle River, NJ:  Prentice Hall, 2006.
  • Stewart, Kay L., Marian Allen, and Shelley Galliah.  Forms of Writing: A Rhetoric, Handbook, and Reader.  5th ed.  Scarborough, ON:  Prentice Hall, 2009.

Gmarket.co.kr

www.yesstyle.com

Oh Oh Oh ~ ~

마지막 문제

애인 없어요 .. 왜 ?

우정은 없다면 사랑은 없다

하지만 사랑은 없다면 우정은 없다.

그래서 어떻게 하는 거야 ? ? 스킨쉽 ?! Where do I start … ㅠ.ㅠ

I don’t understand jealousy, i don’t understand irresponsible behavior.

I don’t understand why a jealous guy would try everything to keep you away from the person you like.

Can’t you see that you’re in the middle ??

That guy look so nice to you, he spends the night with you drinking, listening and advising you. But lies are everywhere.

He seems to be so caring and devoted to help you with the one you like, but he’ll turn around and bite you.

Every time another guy will ask him about you, he’ll say shit on you, he’ll tell them to ignore you, in the name of “their” friendship.

You really think we wouldn’t figure it out ?

Don’t even think to be a friend of his friends, he just wanna keep you for himself, while you, you just wanna be with someone else.

You’re gonna be his secret garden, and everybody will think bad about you. HE will always be good to you, believing that you’re blind or stupid enough to don’t see what he’s doing. Question him, he’ll say that you’re the bitch coz you’re too sexy and he couldn’t resist you. Tell him to stop, he’ll say that he did nothing wrong.

On the top everything, no matter what, he’s friend will always protect him. Of course ! They didnt know, but now its too late, they already see you as a psycho bitch. I don’t understand any of that.

Is there any mentally sane guy outside ? Anyone ?

My advice : take the blame and go expose the truth. Everybody has to know that the so called “friend” of them is a poisonous jerk. 

This is your thinking … and this is mine.

Can you see my blood boiling from anger ?

NO means NO

Be sure I’ll always remember what you did.

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