Life is a Witch ! Cast your spell on me !

Reflections. Thoughts.

I’ve always wonder why guys sometimes are uncertain and so inconsistent. Today they say I love you next morning I love you but just as a friend..you know?. No I don’t know sorry, you love me or you get out. Stop messing around with my life it’s already busy enough without having you around.

This last two years were really .. up and down, full of surprises, full of laughs and tears. Between finding a job, giving up on love and moving to Korea a lot happened without speaking in details. I’ve been home-sick these days and spent hours staring at old text messages and pictures from Toronto without really wanted to go back. If you’ve followed the episode of Life is a Witch, the thing is before I came to Korea I had a friend in Toronto (who’s name is still not JW) among other friends.. and was reading his text messages again, on kakaotalk and whatsapp.. The way he was writing his text messages seemed perfectly A-okay 2  years ago. Now that I look at it again I was thinking .. Was he actually in love with me ? No it can’t be.. I know that he speaks English and Korean good enough to say that it wasn’t a cultural difference nor a language barrier thing but his inconsistency drove me to the edge of crazyness. So when a guy tells you :

I miss you so much, I’m worrying about you. Are you sick ? Okay than don’t go to work tomorrow I’ll be there tomorrow morning and I’ll bring meds for your cold. 

(Uhm.. Since when are we dating already?) Fine. This is still friendship at the very edge. I went to NYC with my parents for Christmas and that same person called me to say things like ..

I just wanted to hear your voice, I love you.. as a friend. I miss so you much, just come to back to Toronto with me. 

(Are we actually dating ? I thought you said we were friends??) Wait a minute, I didn’t say I was moving to NYC. I just went to see my parents for Christmas. Okay whatever.. Then we had a fight, because .. of something really stupid, he was at a turning point of his life and needed to study to pass his last college-prep class. So I decided to help him studying BUT he was spending more time on internet then he should have studied. So I got mad at him and then he was like ..

Come let’s just talk while driving, I’ll drive you home. Aaaa I’m so sorry  T.T

(No, you’re not sorry you’re an idiot) Okay this is still friendship.. to summarize I would play his mom and he would be my 27 yo son. But THEN I told him I would go to South Korea and he was like..

I never want to talk you again. You’re just a liar you promised me we would go to Niagara together. blah blah blah.. 

(I really can’t remember.. were we actually on a relationship?????) What was that for again ?? So .. let’s summarize.. In our “Friendship” I would play his mom and he would be my 10yo son studying for Biology 1st year Undergrad. Okay that can do .. at a certain extent and if I don’t hear things that can make me cry just right before I leave my OWN country, going to a Different country in Asia, learn a new language, loose my friend, never see my family again for at least 2 years (What else?..), work and study and trying to rush my ass to finish my degree and have a great job in less than 5 years. You know the details already. Darn.

Oh don’t worry he’s not the only one. I met a guy AS A FRIEND who was calling me every f****ing day to fix his Rogers Bill and then ended up telling me ..

Why do you call me to go for a drink, I barely know you, maybe we can meet sometimes next year. 

Well I just crossed out your name from my contact list and I’m still wondering .. why would you use people freely ? Do you think it doesn’t cost an once of respect to have help for free and not using what we call Common sense ? Whenever I ask help to someone I feel so guilty that I wanna kill myself, even just for a pencil that I forgotten to bring during my test. Hooooow does your brain work exactly ? Explain that to me.

Once again, it’s fine, one friend more or less what difference does it make eh? I know myself well enough to know that I don’t use people on purpose without giving anything in return and I see a human being in everything that walks on two legs and have a so called “Brain”, regardless of the fact that I like/dislike/hate/love this person. If your personal decision is to do otherwise, do it without me.

Uncertainty aside, another disturbing thing is true inconsistency. I had to study that in Korea quite a lot, more than you think. In Toronto I’ve already faced that problem but I thought it was only due to uncertainty, by mean, if you’re between love and friendship it is fairly normal to express at time signs of love and then just reject that person.  This is what we call in Korean 우정과 사랑 사이 you always question yourself ..

Do I like her or do I love her ?

I love her ! ..  Oh Right ! as a friend !

I can’t live without her !!..  no no as a friend only!! 

NO, big mistake of interpretation inconsistency is not a consequence of uncertainty, proof is if you are uncertain you would try to solve that equation of emotion, you would look for an answer because it is a natural reflex of the human brain to solve what makes us think. Inconsistency is only to your personal determination. Why ? Because if you don’t have that desire to solve your question you would just live your emotions the way it shows up. Consequently one day you love her, next day you hate her, one day you like her, next day you love her again ! But in no point you will try to stop this nor to question yourself .. why am I having such emotion swing ?

Inconsistency still appears to me as a metal sickness only because I am one of a kind who knows what she wants, getting married, have kids and be happy, Period. Unlike when you’re 250% in love (which is insanity) you wouldn’t consider rejecting your beloved one (unless you have a mental disease). You would be surprised to know how many people around you actually questioned themselves on their own feeling about you. Questioning is fine, you should do it and make sure you’re not missing the “Opportunity of your life”. But PLEASE OH LORD PLEASE don’t include you’re other half in that quest for answer. I cannot tell you why people are sometimes uncertain, why you have to bounce between the edge of  love and friendship, why is it so painful to find someone who loves you ..BUT  If you don’t know you’re own feelings, why do I have to know that ? It’s your problem certainly not mine. My feelings are crystal clear,  right column of the table or left column of the table, nothing in between.  Why do I have to endure so much stress ? Why does it have to be up and down until you figured it out ? If you don’t know how can I know ??

I don’t have any miracle power to cast a spell on my crystal brain and tell you YES or NO, there’s no secret no miracle solution no meditation position no pills that will ever tell you what you want in life. It is all based on your personal desire to move forward or stay where your are.

Including others in your reflections and your thoughts is fine as long as you don’t make them cry and as long as you respect your peers. BTW I think this is the first line of the bible, respect your parents and your peers. 

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