I had a dream ..

.. Last night I had a dream, a horrific dream. I can’t remember when I felt asleep nor how .. but suddenly I was drawn back in reality (a previous reality that use to be true a year and a half ago) where I was meeting my friends in Christie on a Sunny Sunday afternoon. 

IT’s so bright outside and so hot I guess we are still in the summer time, all of us are sitting in Christie Pitch Park where we always sit. The 6 of us are here sitting on the grass, laughing and wishing Happy Birthday to our friend. I cooked some 무지개떡 trial number 1,777 this year, and my friends are staring at it with a very unconfident look, I can even read the question marks lining up on the top their heads. Since I decided to cook 무지개떡 6 months ago I’ve became a professional translator in the Question Marks language. I can tell you exactly what one thinks and what’s the other’s answer

(o.o) ????? ??? ?? -> She wants us to eat that?

(ㅠ.ㅠ) ???? ??. ???????? ?? –> I guess so. Otherwise we’re dead.

(ㅜ.ㅜ) ?? ?? ?? –> We’re dead anyway 

(x.x) !! !! –> Let’s eat

(ㅜ.ㅜ) ????? ???.. ??????? ???? ?? ????? –> Sorry brothers.. next time I’ll kidnap her before she has time to cook anything

(ㅡ.ㅡ) ?..!.. –> .. Eatable

The wind is playing with my hair gently and everybody is eating, it turned out I’m not that a bad cook. I cooked this very complicated cake for his birthday so I hope he enjoyed it, truly. But something is bugging me .. what am I doing in Christie Pitch Park on a sunny summer day, a year before I leave for Korea? Another teaching from life ? Or simple a gift from my long term memory?.. Really the six of us are sitting here, laughing and enjoying this moment. I’m staring at this friend from Kingston and I’m thinking .. just so many things will go wrong between us. Just so many things combined with bad lucks will end up in a very wrong friendship. Then I turn my head to that other friend with glasses. Another wasted friendship. A friendship that turned out into two individuals that barely say Hi to each other because of a one-sided love (which wasn’t from me). Then my head is turning left, my long time friend is sitting here. This friend and I barely new each other on that day and unlike the others he’s older than me. Even until now he remains one of my good friend, we can talk to each other for hours until 4 in the morning, drink and invite other friends and drink and talk again. We’ve spent so many hours watching baseball game and drinking soju together, our friendship was based on nothing. Someone introduced us and that was it. We’ve never tried to learn anything from each other, we’ve never tried to try on each other, we’ve never tried to do anything except just talk and have fun. He’s been a very good 오빠 from the first day and even until now, I hope I’ve been a good 동생 to him. So far 2 wasted friendships and one survived, not so bad.

The sunlight is turning into a moonlight and it is time for me to meet my other friend in Finch. He just came back from Korea and we decided to study a bit together. I get in the TTC once again, get off at Finch and can start to smell this miserable toilet smell of Finch station coming through my nostrils. I quickly get out of the station through the TD exit and meet him at the .. Oh wait a text message is coming :

Sorry I’m late can we meet in High Park ?

Well I guess I’m going to High Park ! Get back in the subway all the way to High Park, get out at High Park station walk 10 minutes .. Finally High Park “Park” is in front of me. Now I have to walk on this mixture of dirt rain and green grass with my new Nine West shoes just to meet him. He’s car is parked here and he arrived about 10 minutes before me.  It’s been a while ! Guess what ? I know exactly what you will tell me ! You ruined wedding, your horrible ex girlfriend, the new girlfriend of your dream that you met there and why you can’t trust her and so on.. I know all that already ! I know because it happened and this is my dream. I really want to tell you not to worry about her because anyway you’ll break up with her in 2 months and find a much better girl, so there’s no reason to be so sad right now. I don’t want to hear anymore I just wanna die from your mouth, I want to hug you and tell you Everything will be okay, it will be okay just please be happy and smile. Within this 2 years I didn’t get a lot of chance to see you smiling, why being so sad all the time, happiness is your only choice. And your future will be a lot busier than now, so you should get ready. I always wondered if you became what you are right now in 2012 because of this time we spent together as friend, or was it your only decision ? I wish I could tell you now your future but when I look at your eyes all those memories keep coming back to me. You will get mad at me a trillion times, you’ll cry when I won’t be here for you and leave you alone in this painful life, you will be happy to see me after work, you will get mad ..when I will have to leave. On the top of everything I know our friendship will end on February 1st 2011. Even though I wish it didn’t ..

Suddenly High Park became all dark and this Lady wearing a Red dress appears in front of me,  she has dark hair dark eyes probably in her 40s and she grabs my shoulders. When are you going to wake up ? Just wake up ! Wake up now ! Why do you want me to wake up ? I like this dream, those are good memories. I terribly miss my friends, all of them, I can’t talk to them because bad lucks happened, because we misunderstood each-other, because sometimes we fought or simply because I don’t live there anymore. Not because I don’t love them.. We are all busy with our own life and keeping in touch is hard when you’re not in the same city together. Stop questioning your friends are gone Just wake up ! Wake up now ! There’s nothing to do, she’s dragging me back to reality in 2012, Fine I will wake up just give me one minute to say bye to them. Nope .. she decided otherwise, I woke up suddenly out of breath and my eyes are now open, I’m in room and a trace of her Red Dress is fading away slowly in front of me. I’m staring at it and keep asking myself .. Why we don’t talk anymore to each other ? I’m not sure .. I can’t remember.. What happened ?

It is true, if I go back nothing will be the same anymore. Too many things happened, nobody is ready to do the first step forward, nobody is anyway contacting me while I’m sitting here in the middle of Korea. We are all busy with our own life and even if I go back I will never go back in the past, I will go back to a near future with new friends and a new job. But this is not what I want. I don’t even want to have new friends, I want to understand what happened. I just don’t get how everything went so fast from that wonderful Sunny day in Toronto to tears and sadness. Why can’t we forget and forgive the past?

~ Your past ends where your Future begins, never forget,  never regret and move forward ~ 


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