Life is a witch !! Darn where is my secret potion and powerful bow ?

I need to scare away some monsters coming to close to my fortress full of emotions, and make them talk..

Once upon a time .. a dear little Princess living in the far far country named Toronto. Our Princess was brilliant at school and such a naive student, clumsy as hell who already broke so many things around her including many of her friendships. Let’s call her.. Lilly (Dare you think it’s me! I picked a fake name) Lilly had a friend named .. wait let me think.. Shrek! Oh no .. that sounds too Green, uhm .. Jae-Won! (only because he”s tomorrow’s lecturer at 서울대..). JW and Lilly developed over the time a wonderful friendship through hard labor and numerous hours of study together. JW had a girlfriend (plus two others on internet) and Lilly had also a boyfriend on and off depending on her daily mood. Well the thing is Lilly and JW never met true love, a love based on trust, common life experience, months and months of friendship, shared laughs and tears and so on..

Okay fine, I had a friend in Toronto and his name is not JW nor am I princess, at least if I am they didn’t tell me. We shared, as “friend” pretty much everything. And I really mean “Everything”. Sometimes we were laughing together, sometimes I was crying on the phone, sometimes HE made me cry sometimes he made me laugh. Sometimes he called me because his girlfriend was having an affair or things like that .. you know just regular friendship things. We spent months studying together, eating together and doing all these things together. I kept all our text messages and was reading it a minute ago, suddenly I realized that .. uhm maybe it was more than Friendship. We’ve never kissed, never slept together OH LORD NO never. We’ve never did anything more than just Big Hug and Good night calls.  I don’t know if you’ve ever watch friends, the sitcom, where the 6 of them have this inter-dependent friendship that never ends and thought that’s only on TV. Well I think we did reach that point where he couldn’t live away from me and nor could I live away from him.

But the thing is, moving to Korea was F.I.N.E. .. being away from him was P.A.I.N.F.U.L. 서울대 is hell, everybody knows that. Even “I” knew before I came here (people are complaining all over the internet .. it wasn’t hard to guess). But I didn’t know that losing my friend would be so painful. For me friendship is forever, your friend will always be your friend and I understand that sometimes they have their own mood on and off, you could be busy, having issues or you know .. shit happens sometimes. I don’t even have time to meet my friend when the semester starts so they understand and we meet over the summer, everything is cool.

That friend thou, the Toronto Guy who’s name is not JW.., was just so mad at me when I told him Hey finally my dream is coming true I’m going to Korea! He told me that I “lied to him” because I promised him we would go to Niagara Falls together knowing that I wouldn’t be here from February 1st. And all the things I promised we would do together wasn’t true blah blah blah.. Fine, I committed the crime of “Lying” to him, well honestly I wasn’t sure if going to Korea was such a good idea so that’s why I didn’t tell him, also I knew he would be so sad .. and I would be so sad losing him I didn’t know how to pull the thing out. SO I just kept it for myself until the very last minute. Stupid idea, I’m accountable for that one.  Then he called again and apologized saying he shouldn’t have talked to me that way and be supportive..

Okay I don’t care honestly. I care about him as a friend, I care about his future, I can disregard everything that happen in the past between he and I, every painful words we shouldn’t have said to each other, I only wanna keep in mind all the good moments we spent together. I just want to remember every time he drove me home and it felt so good to be in his car (it was minus something outside), every time we drove 2 hours to go to that restaurant that didn’t exist, every time we had these very deep conversations, every time he was upset coz of that parking lot guy, every time.. I saw  his eyes and thought “Wow it’s good to talk to you and be away from work!” It doesn’t matter if our friendship were more than that, I don’t care, I don’t wanna marry you, I don’t wanna date you, but I wouldn’t mind a phone call.  Once a friendship is over, it’s hard to get it back, as hard it would be with a relationship. It’s even harder when you’re 6,000 miles away.. I just have so many questions left unanswered. I just have so many things to ask.

I need a magic potion strong enough, maybe made of dragon wings or so, to make you talk and tell me everything you need to speak out. Because of my shitty-busy life we’ve never had a moment where you told me with an open-heart what made you so mad, why being so angry, why staying silent all time I’ve been in Korea, why ? .. I’m so thankful we’ve met, I hope I did help you and that time we spent together wasn’t for nothing. I learnt so much from you and I have so many things I want to talk with you.. Staying without answers is really really painful. It is not a nice way to say thanks for the moment we shared as friends. It is not a nice way either to say GoodBye.

What is the reason of your silence ?


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