사랑이 없다, 우정이 없다

I have a secret.

I have a deep-unspoken secret. Something that I’ve never told anybody. Something that I’ve never shared…

Nothing to do with a few extra pounds, 2cm added in my running shoes nor my overall GPA. No no, nothing like that. The hardest thing I have to do is to say Thank you, I love you or Goodbye. Not true, the hardest EVER is to say Goodbye. But that is not a secret.

Luckily, I’ve been moving all around the globe since I was born (or maybe even before..). But getting separated from my friends is, somewhat, the hardest step. Sometimes I get to think that being separated through death is easier. I mean, you never know when and how its gonna happen, so you don’t have to hide it, nor to bear with it. There’s no farewell, no goodbye, its all of a sudden and you just have to make your way thru it. That involves you and only you (since the other one is dead..). Fortunately, or unfortunately, nobody died recently. But, eventually, I will have to be relocated somewhere else than Toronto. That’s right, i just found a job, and that’s not even close to Ontario.

Do you know why some women are playing hard to get ? They’ll get you mad and drive you crazy, just to make sure that you really love them. Coz They just want to protect themselves, they don’t wanna be sad anymore with a failed love-story.

Back to the storyline, There’s a tiny tiny possibility that I accept this position. There’s a big possibility that I will have to move soon.. And I certainly do not wanna say Goodbye. I don’t wanna say it to … someone. I’ve been told that communication is important. But I’ve never been told that it was painful. My way to move out without a tear is either to hide it till I moved OR to get people mad at me. I don’t play the girl who’s hard to get, or the girl who’s too busy and has to leave anyway. No, i just pull out my mad-kitty face. I’m a talented actress, trust me on that. I can keep my secrets for a long long time. Thus, I have this genetic ability to get people mad at me whenever i feel like it (it runs in my family lol). I know exactly what to say to turn them up in a hot-boiling-stew. Wait, NO NO, that’s not my secret yet ! .. whoever knows me a little, is aware of that. I’ve never been good at communicating/explaining my feelings (thou im working on that part..). I couldn’t come up with a better way to protect myself from sadness. I just took for granted that if someone is mad at me, then i won’t regret, i won’t be sad, i won’t cry once left at the airport.

Who’s that “someone” ? Ha .. we met twice. The first time was in 2009, second time was last May. We somehow kept in touch since then. I think I fully understand him, and he fully understands me too. Our lives had a very similar path and our personalities are a perfect match. I was planning to move undercover, and then say “Oh sorry I’m not in Toronto anymore”. But yesterday night, I came to realize that leaving him behind would be way too painful, even thou we’re just friend. So.. as a perfect stupid girl, when option 1 doesn’t work, I tried on option 2. I took my favorite weapon (my iPhone) and send my favorite bullet (a painful short text message). I knew that friendship is important for him and also that he has no time to call me. So I just jeopardized it, easy, that would get him mad for sure. Literally, I said that .. if he doesn’t call me tonight then our friendship is over. Stupid reason lol, why would it be over ? Just for a phone call ?? lol im really brainless at times. But I needed an argument right ? THAT someone is just an example .. you know I wouldn’t show my feeling for someone over a stupid internet blog no no .. There are others “someone” around me that I’m certainly not ready to give up, especially my dear Biology friend, we’ve studying together for so long that I know it will be hard to get separated and I know he will be mad the moment I will tell him I’m going to Korea, but at some point you gotta do what you gotta do.

IT was easy to move when I was younger, but now I’d like to settle down somewhere. If there’s no love, no friendship, why should I stay ? My career is more important than dust. Conclusion, My secret is … for the very first time, I felt like I would be willing to stay here if that “someone” would get a hold on me. But for now, mission accomplished, “someone” is mad at me. Would he ever understand what I did ? –

… Question unanswered

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